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I never had sex with her. I cant really decide wether or not I should tell him. I think it would be right thing to do.

asked Oct 01 '12 at 00:18

Twilightseed's gravatar image


edited Oct 01 '12 at 09:53

Greg%20Perkins's gravatar image

Greg Perkins ♦♦

I think it would really depend on your relationship with the man in question. The virtue of justice has us judge people objectively and treat them accordingly. The fact that you proposed sex with this man's wife may show that you don't respect the man very much, either consciously or subconsciously, which may require some introspection to find out why.

Perhaps it was a laps of judgement, fueled by hormones and emotions. In that case, it might be appropriate for you to tell him, express your honest regret, and try and move on.

(Oct 01 '12 at 10:22) JK Gregg ♦ JK%20Gregg's gravatar image

I didnt know him at the time.

(Oct 02 '12 at 09:18) Twilightseed Twilightseed's gravatar image

That's irrelevant. What's your relationship with him now? As John points out in his answer below, if he is a friend or if you have a lot of respect for the man then you should tell him, otherwise you are flaunting the virtue of justice (i.e. by treating him in a manner unfitting of your objective judgment of him).

If he's a scumbag or abuses his wife or what have you, that's a different story, one in which you would probably not be obliged to tell him of your actions.

(Oct 02 '12 at 09:51) JK Gregg ♦ JK%20Gregg's gravatar image

@JK Gregg: I'm not certain of John would agree that the new information is not relevant.

(Oct 02 '12 at 11:33) Humbug Humbug's gravatar image

A clarification for Twilightseed:

You didn't know the man existed as the woman's husband at the time, or you simply were acquaintances at the time but knew he was the husband of the woman you propositioned?

(Oct 02 '12 at 11:48) JK Gregg ♦ JK%20Gregg's gravatar image
  1. Know woman was married and knew husband as a friend. Tell? -Yes.
  2. Know woman was married but did not know husband until later. Tell? -I say no. No friendship = no obligation at the time. If you proposition again after you know the husband then this is #1.
  3. Did not know that woman was married or was related to the husband in any way but knew husband as a friend. Tell? -No but if you want to have a long-term friendship, tell anyway and see if the husband is rational or not. If the husband is not rational and get mad at you, you probably don't want him as a long-term friend anyway.
(Oct 02 '12 at 20:49) Humbug Humbug's gravatar image
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You need to provide more context to get a real answer. Is the husband a friend of yours?

Certainly, an advance toward a married woman amounts to a challenge to her marriage.

The question is, is that challenge appropriate? (It could be a terrible marriage.) And even if the challenge isn't appropriate, isn't it the woman's responsibility to reject you?

If the husband is a friend of yours, then the situation is more clear, because it involves dishonesty to a friend if you keep your intentions hidden. If the husband is your friend, in general you should tell him, and let him judge you appropriately.

You could lose a friend as a result of your actions, but being dishonest with a friend is much worse. You are much better off losing a friend than keeping a friend under false pretenses.

Most importantly, there is no intrinsic requirement to refrain from challenging a marriage. One should refrain from challenging a friend's marriage, and one must recognize the risks of challenging a stranger's marriage, but marriage is not, as such, untouchable.

answered Oct 01 '12 at 10:25

John%20Paquette's gravatar image

John Paquette ♦

edited Oct 01 '12 at 10:29

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Asked: Oct 01 '12 at 00:18

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Last updated: Oct 02 '12 at 20:49