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I'm deeply in love with a person who's multi-talented (virtuous) & a prodigal genius (character meets intelligence). I've been friends with him for years. He'd been looking for a girl who's tall, sexy, intelligent. However, I don't meet 2 criteria; I'm really short & not so sexy. I have average looks. He doesn't have good looks himself but he finds beautiful girls very attractive.

He started falling for me only after I confessed my feelings for him. We're not exactly in a relationship though. I fear he'll leave me for a better looking girl. He says we have a future; I can't help but think he's kind of sacrificing for me- which makes me feel worse. This situation takes me back to all of my past incidents (esp. my school days) where I was denied oppotunities just because I lacked the things I can't change- my looks & my height. For instance, despite me being the most talented dancer in the group, I had been denied the lead place in the performance. I never danced ever since.

I'm the girl who feels very confident in a classroom, and withdrawn/ awkward in social parties. Serenity lies in accepting things we can't change. But I never quite came to terms my ugliness; personally I do value beauty a lot. Comment on my attitude.

asked Jan 10 '12 at 16:38

Nina's gravatar image


Self-estemm issues.

(Apr 14 '12 at 03:06) Sage Sage's gravatar image

I'm not normally this blunt, but here goes:

  1. Why are you deeply in love with someone who is not returning those feelings?
  2. If you fear your beloved will leave you for someone better looking, those thoughts alone are enough to drive him away (self-doubt, lack of self-esteem).
  3. Many people, especially when they're younger, make the mistake of putting too much value on looks. I guess it's a cultural thing. What most people eventually figure out is that not only do looks fade, but you can't build a relationship on looks alone. In fact, in the long run, looks should really be close to the bottom of the priority list.
  4. It sounds like you are looking to others for a reason to value yourself. That's backwards. If you want to be loved by someone, just loving them (or being good looking) isn't enough. You need to earn that love. How? By being a good person. By having sound morals and values. Honesty, integrity, independence, fairness, pride, being productive, and so on. Those traits lead to self-esteem and happiness, which are also very attractive traits. Be the kind of person you want to attract.
  5. Instead of focusing on the things you aren't, think about what you are and what you can become. There are plenty of short, ugly people out there who are adorable, warm, lovely, incredible people. Any rational person would gladly choose such a person over just height and looks.
  6. I've known people who pursue looks as their main objective in a relationship -- and I pity the people they hook up with. When they're focused on looks as a primary, what does that say about who they really are? Think carefully about why you would want to be with such a person.
  7. Conversely, I've known people (mostly women) who were very attractive, a number of whom managed to get by on looks alone for a long time. In the long run, they tend to end up being pretty miserable. They use their looks to get what they want, and think that means they don't need morals, virtues or character. Yuck. It's hard to admire (much less love) the real person under the good looks.
  8. It sounds like there's some related issue going on with things like dancing. I realize it may sound harsh, but truly, why do you care what others think? If you are good at something, then keep at it! Do it for yourself. Even if you aren't ever recognized, being good at something is still a way of building self-esteem. It's when that self-doubt creeps in that things start to fall apart.
  9. It's OK to value beauty, but that doesn't mean you should feel bad about not being beautiful. You can more than compensate for outer beauty by being beautiful on the inside. You can surround yourself with beautiful things, you can take good care of your body, dress well, carry yourself well. Think about the many TV/movie/music stars who aren't conventionally beautiful, but who have a different kind of attractiveness about them.

Sorry in advance if I somehow misread you, but that's my 2c.

answered Jan 10 '12 at 23:57

Rick's gravatar image

Rick ♦

edited Jan 11 '12 at 00:02

I ditto Rick's comment on look fading. It doesn't even require age for it to fade. If you're with someone long enough (about 12 months), the only thing that you will see is their mind. Sure, you may be reminded of how they look once in a while but what you really see is the person, not just the body. I speak of this from experience.

(Jan 11 '12 at 01:32) Humbug Humbug's gravatar image

@Rick: Thanks for an honest evaluation. Yes, we're young. He does reciprocate the feelings though I don't feel the need to expect the same level of passion from him. He doesn't look for looks as the primary but there are many girls who meet the criteria, including looks.

I have always been trying to improve myself as a person but there are times (very rare though) when I wish I were prettier on the outside. And it was very long back when I gave up dancing. I do regret it; it was a huge mistake on my part.

(Jan 11 '12 at 04:25) Nina Nina's gravatar image

@Nina: being tall, sexy and intelligent is common, because it requires no particular effort; just the luck of the genetic lottery. Being of high moral character, with good self-esteem and sound principles and values, is not. Trust me; I've looked (the first woman I found like that, I married, 23 yrs ago now). FWIW, I would encourage you to take up dancing again. If not dancing, find something that you can be truly good at; something that takes effort. You might be surprised at how much of a boost it adds to how you feel about yourself, and in turn how you look at life and relationships.

(Jan 11 '12 at 07:16) Rick ♦ Rick's gravatar image

One more thought: the vast majority of girls I've known think they're ugly, largely because they don't measure up to some artificial standard that society puts forward. From my perspective, nearly all young women are pretty. Really. I would wager that you are much more attractive than you give yourself credit for.

(Jan 15 '12 at 16:42) Rick ♦ Rick's gravatar image

@Nina I can't say it much better than @Rick but it seems like you're deriving way too much self-worth externally. It seems like you are intelligent and thoughtful. Those 2 qualities alone are immensely valuable and you should be proud of them. Then you add the dancing and the confidence and :-)...

(Jan 15 '12 at 22:21) Danneskjold_repo Danneskjold_repo's gravatar image
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Asked: Jan 10 '12 at 16:38

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Last updated: Apr 14 '12 at 03:06