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To provide context: The girlfriend's boyfriend was still married and in the process of getting a divorce. Her boyfriend told her that he needed some time to "take care of some things at home" before he could see her again. He had not reached out to her for a couple of months and during this time she engaged in sexual intercourse with a friend.

The girlfriend was always adamant about keeping her private relationship private from her friends and family. The friend had never met or seen her "boyfriend" before. He doesn't even know his name. He was, however, fully aware that she was in a "closed" relationship at the time and that it never was officially declared off.

More context provided (04/13/2015): The friend felt very bad about what he did and told the girlfriend that she should tell her boyfriend that she cheated on him, and if she didn't, then the friend will tell her boyfriend if he ever finds out who he is. She ended the conversation with, "We're all adults here." and never reached out to her friend again.

Did they do anything wrong? On the principle of Justice, how hard should the friend attempt to find out who the boyfriend is and confess to him?

asked Apr 12 '15 at 19:23

deannamurray's gravatar image


edited Apr 13 '15 at 22:58

I'm just going to ask you flat-out. Did you fuck someone's girlfriend?

(Apr 13 '15 at 21:42) Collin1 Collin1's gravatar image

As cliche as it sounds, this is actually about a friend. So to answer your question: No.

(Apr 13 '15 at 22:55) deannamurray deannamurray's gravatar image

If I understand this correctly, the "cast of characters" consists of a woman, a married boyfriend, the present wife of the married boyfriend (whom he is in process of divorcing), and an intimate new friend of the woman. The married boyfriend and the intimate new friend do not know each other. The intimacy with the new friend apparently was very short lived, and he tried to "lay a guilt trip" on her for "cheating" on the married boyfriend, even though he (the new friend) initiated the affair (or did she initiate it?). Some "friend" he is. I don't blame the woman at all for breaking off all further dealings with the no-longer-intimate, now-former friend.

As for whether or not the woman should disclose her affair to the original married boyfriend (assuming he actually does become unmarried in due course), that's for her to decide, based on the full context of her relationship with him. If she was lonely and couldn't wait, she should introspect to understand herself and her own values more clearly. Maybe the married boyfriend isn't right for her after all.

If the formerly intimate new friend is threatening to disclose the affair himself to the married boyfriend, I am puzzled as to why. It sounds like attempted coercion of the woman (even blackmail if he is demanding anything else from her). He may claim to feel guilty for the affair by conventional standards and is trying to spread the guilt to her, as well -- which sounds like he actually despises her for some unstated reason, like maybe he's just trying to "play head games" with her using conventional morality as his guilt-inducing weapon. Does he just want his physically intimate relationship with the woman to continue, longer-term, without the "distraction" of the married boyfriend -- and the so-called "friend" thinks psychological coercion is the way to go about pursuing it? Again, I don't blame her for breaking off all further contact with him. He really doesn't seem to respect her very much.

(On the other hand, the description in the question says that the intimate new friend "felt very bad about what he did [I guess that means he initiated it]...." This doesn't seem to fit with my interpretation earlier. I wonder if all this action is taking place in a "Bible belt" kind of state where people take religion very seriously in theory, while sometimes succumbing to "the problem of temptation" and then feeling very guilty about it afterward. The solution for that is to challenge the theory, find a better theory, then build more consistent integrity in following a more life-enhancing ethical theory.)

If she's worried that her married boyfriend might find out anyway, and if it eats away at her emotional state, then some further discussion with the married boyfriend might be wise, to clear the air (assuming they both still mutually want their relationship with each other to continue). I wonder if they have communicated at all during his divorce process, to stay in touch emotionally, if not physically for awhile. The question seems to imply that they did not, but I don't understand why they wouldn't, if they truly want to continue an intimate romantic relationship. If he broke off the relationship without sharing his intentions fully with her, then she was effectively left dangling, and he shouldn't be surprised that she might start to feel romantic toward some newcomer who "comes on strong" to her at first but soon shows his "true colors." Does she think the married boyfriend would never understand her? There shouldn't be anything for him to "forgive," since he himself cheated on his current wife.

The whole situation sounds rather confused and contorted, like a soap opera. But in the hands of a good fiction writer, it might make interesting material for a concretized exploration of the motivations of the characters, especially if integrated with a suspenseful, action-packed, well plotted story line dealing with purposeful and happy living on earth versus mystically ordained moral commandments, self-sacrifice, guilt, and psychological coercion -- in one's personal life.

answered Apr 16 '15 at 00:11

Ideas%20for%20Life's gravatar image

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Asked: Apr 12 '15 at 19:23

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Last updated: Apr 16 '15 at 00:11